Guilty Feelings

So after my last post, I went downstairs to spend time with Bela and to feed her dinner. As Ryan was putting her to sleep, I started to think about just how guilty I felt having to discipline Bela yesterday. I felt the need to blog about it! Correcting Bela after she spit in Ryan's shoes was probably one of the hardest things I have done since we brought her home. I felt sick to my stomach and just so guilty that I had to do it. However, both Ryan and my friend reassured me that it needed to be done and that we did it in a manner that was calm and matter of fact. But I was NOT expecting such tremendous feelings of guilt and anxiety over the situation. I think what really helped me was thinking about my first experience having to discipline my employees - while it sounds bizarre that I would compare an employee to Bela, it's the last time I had this feeling of nausea around a discipline situation. I felt so bad afterwards that I didn't sleep for weeks and then many years later, the same employee thanked me for having the guts to tell him he needed to improve and giving him the ability to do so. This same employee passed away while I was in India and his mom contacted me to let me know - it has been almost a decade since I managed him. That's the only thing I can relate to that helps me keep focused on knowing that correcting Bela is not only needed, but someday, whether she realizes it or not, it will help her. Sounds like a really obvious conclusion to make and my mom always told me she corrected me for my own good, but last night was the first time I really understood what that meant.

"Mommie...Owwie??"

This was a busy week! Blood tests, evalatuions, social worker vists and it's only Thursday! We have another Dr's appointment tomorrow to round out the week of experts.  We had to subject Bela to more blood tests which Ryan took her too. She did very well considering the trauma! First, the blood takers at the lab stuck her twice and managed NOT to get any blood AND they left an incredible bruise on one arm, causing Bela to say..."Mommie, Owwiee?"  She was a great sport when she got back and she showed me both sets of bandages on both arms from the owwies that she got from being stuck!  But after that experience, she and I played with some of my purses and hats and Bela had a great time - she loved my cowboy hat and even discovered how to say Chheeezzzeee for the first time!  She is definintely a girly girl and that's so much for me me! We pick out the clothes she wants to wear most mornings and she especially likes to choose which shoes to wear.

I have had a ton of fun playing pretend with Bela this week. She has really started to latch onto her baby dolls and stuffed animals. So when I was brushing her hair, she wanted me to brush baby's hair. This morning for breakfast, she wanted one of her dolls to also wear a bib and pretend to have yogurt and eggs like she did. Yesterday, we had one of Bela's cousins over, Brianna. Bela and I picked her up from the school next door and she played with Brianna for about 2 hours without fussing very much at all. She even learned Brianna's name and pronounces it, "Bunnuna". Brianna brought over books, an umbrella and jewelry for Bela to play with and she loved the umbrella and jewelry especially.

Finally, today we took Bela to Newport Speech and Language center for an occupational therapy and language evaluation. Good news is that she is doing amazingly well with her motor and fine motor skills. The occupational therapist commented on the fact that Bela's block stacking skills were the best she had seen in over 5 months! She is clearly behind in her language skills because she never learned English prior. So we will likely enroll her into a group program with other children so she can catch up. The speech specialist and case worker for Bela seem to think that she will catch up in no time. We were so impressed with the resources available to Bela. Just makes us so appreciative of the fact that we live in a place where she really has all the necessary support to catch her up, both physically and from a speech/language perspective. We even got some great tips on how to speed up her language skills at home from the specialists.

We had to start correcting Bela this week now that we feel very comfortable that she has connected with us. Last night when a friend came over, Bela spit some chips into Ryan's shoes. So I created a place in our kitchen where I set a stool in a corder and gave her "time-in" (vs. a "time-out"). That was a suggestion from one of the adoption books I have been reading. The time-in requires that I stay with her and explain to her what she did wrong and then give her the option to make a better choice - in this case the choice was not to spit in dad's shoes. It's important that I don't isolate her or make the time-in too lengthy as the attachment process is fragile. She really didn't like the process but she seemed to understand the explanation of what she did wrong - at least we hope she did...time will tell. Bela is not going down for naps much these days either but she is sleeping around 6:30-7pm at night for about 12-13 hours. She is still waking up to see me or Ryan and then she is asleep again - that happens 1-3 times per night and the great news is that we don't have to sleep with her - we can choose when we want to or not. Sometimes Ryan or I just want to sleep with her because we don't want her to be alone - kind of overprotective but we're trying to make sure we don't create a habit of it if we don't have to from an attachment perspective (and so far we haven't had to).

Finally, we had our first social worker visit and he was very impressed with the progress she has made. She was very active when he came by, even talking and playing with her toys while we were talking to him about her progress. He indicated that his experience with our agency is that he rarely ever gets frantic calls from parents who adopt from Holt - so he was glad to hear that we didn't have a need for one of those calls so far either. He will be by 3 more times per California requirements and. Again, it's so nice to know how many resources we have available to us and to Bela. It's something that definitely gives us a sense of relief and ease knowing we're not in this alone and any issues we run into, there is a whole team of people who are truly interested in helping us resolve them!

No Fear!

I took Bela to my sister's baby shower and she did very very well considering all the attention people were paying to her. The next day, we took her to a birthday party at a place called Bounce U - she absolutely loved that place!!! She could run around and be free and not be "bothered" by other kids trying to play with her. Best of all, she got to slide down a 15ft inflatable slide all by herself. She looked so small going down it but daddy thought she was ready for it - and she had a blast! She couldn't get enough of the jumping, bouncing and sliding! She was probably one of the most active kids there - which wore me and Ryan down. But we had an absolute blast. She also discovered pizza for the first time at the party - which she really loved.

While she definitely doesn't like strangers and kids touching her, she is getting very comfortable around family she has seen before. Her association skills are amazing so the fact that she recognizes them is great. She let grandma hold her up today so she could look in the mirror at herself.  We are so impressed at how quickly she can imitate and pick up new things. She even wanted to feed her cousin Ayden grapes after playing with him at Bounce U. She is very nurturing toward babies and young kids it seems and likes to feed people.  I think that is her way of trying to bond with them and she doesn't do it to everyone, just people she has seen before it seems.

This week is jam-packed with more tests and evaluations. First we get to have more blood tests for her thyroid. Then the social worker visits for the first time since Bela has been home. This is routine and we will have many more to come (one visit every 3 months). According to the Hauge treaty, India also requires other CARA reports for the next 5 years which I get to fill out. Oh joy - the paperwork never stops it seems. But it has all been so worth it - the feeling of Bela laughing, playing and talking and screaming out loud is awesome.

Her potty training is getting a bit better. Although the doctor suggested we put her on the Giardia meds because her diarrhea came back. She is taking the meds really really well so that's not an issue. She is even starting to tell us (on occasion) when she needs to go potty. She is now even telling us at night when she wants to go to sleep!!!

Good news is I finally got a case number assigned from the OC Family Court last Friday - what a pain. Our agency was convinced of one process while the Family Court was convinced of a different process entirely. But I went prepared for both my 2nd trip there and was able to file the papers successfully! Now we wait for a court hearing and hopefully in about 6 months, Bela's adoption will be finalized.

"Mommy, I Luw uuu..."

Susan Keller Photography

The photographs in this blog were taken by our neighbor Susan Keller, who has provided her professional talents and skills to photograph Bela for her first year home.

Exactly one month ago today, we were in India at the orphanage where we picked up Bela. It's hard to believe, but time does fly!! The first few weeks were really difficult and it was hard to imagine that just a few weeks later it would feel like Bela has been our daughter for years! Bela has been feeling much more comfortable around my family and Ryan's family - especially his mom. Grandma is referred to as "muna" now and she seems happy when she see her. Bela has progressed so amazingly well in her language and association skills just in the last week or so. While she has a lot of catching up to do with language, she said "mommy i luw uuu" today - I just about melted!!!! She apparently learned that from one of her stuffed animal toys. She is also learning thank you and yummy, yummy, yummy. She is also eating without fussing too much - although she's not always hungry at the same time every day. She has been sleeping mostly on her own - occasionally she wakes in the middle of the night to see Ryan but once she does, she is asleep again.

Bela also saw an endocrinologist today - we were really pleased with the doctor and the entire office staff and how they treated Bela. The doctor was equally impressed with the all the paperwork and testing the orphanage did for Bela. The doctor indicated that they orphanage did all the testing she would have done - wow!! That was very reassuring for us too since it was entirely up to the orphanage to conduct the necessary testing. Unfortunately though, I get to take Bela for another blood test. When I heard that, my mouth dropped since I immediately had flash backs of our first blood drawing experience where it took 2 adults to hold her down! Ugh!!   Bela is also dancing a lot more these days - nodding her head back and forth and today she even stomped her feet up and down to John Mayer, Greenday and Jack Johnson. Her clean streak is still with her - picking up her shoes and putting them in the closet. We put a slide set in our backyard that another neighbor gave us and she seems to really enjoy playing on that - diving head first down the slide!

Only 30 days ago we picked up Bela and she seems to be a totally different person - full of joy, love and energy! My grandmother said it best when she said all she needed was a little love from her mom and dad! We are so blessed!

Wheeeeeee!!!

From my last post, Bela has become so much more comfortable around our family and friends - it's like a whole different bundle of fun! First our friends (Ryan's highschool friends and their family) came over with dinner. One couple had a baby boy and a 3 year old girl who brought her Barbies for Bela to play with - the Barbies were a hit but baby boy Casey was a bigger hit. She loved feeding him and would get so excited to be around him. The orphanage said that Bela is very sensitive around other children, always comforting those that got hurt or were crying. We saw some of that with baby Casey.  But the last few play dates she has had, we have noticed that she really doesn't like people or kids touching her or hugging her unless she initiates the affection. She in fact tends to get overwhelmed and very cranky after a long play date with kids trying to hug and play with her. I'm not sure if this is normal, but Ryan's sister was telling us that she had to keep playdates with her twin girls to 30 minutes to not overwhelm them. So we learned that we need to keep playdates to about 30 minutes so she is not overwhelmed after.

But this past weekend was Bela's first Valentine's weekend! We went to lunch with my family and friends where Bela got to run around outside with the backpack grandma bought her. She really enjoyed the water fountain and loved being independent and just playing freely in the sun.  Then the following day we had a Valentine's party with Ryan's family - where she got to enjoy cake and sweethearts for the first time. Bela also discovered chocolate - wow, she loved chocolate kisses!  But as you can see from the family photo above, she was still very quiet and not comfortable totally around new environments. Her expressions were typically very serious and stoic through-out that day.  So the culimnation of Bela really opening up to our family was when we visited my sister and brother-in-law yesterday. By chance, Ryan and I both had appointments in their area so we took Bela with us and went to visit my sister. We spent about 4 hours there. After about hour 2, Bela started to really get comfortable with them. They were very careful in not to overwhelm her with hugs and kisses and to just let her do as she wanted without much expectation. So she discovered a basket full of blankets which was just big enough for her to sit in. That was it - all my sister and brother-in-law had to do was say whheeeee and start swinging her around in the basket! I haven't heard her laugh so loud since Ryan discovered her tickle spots!!!!!  We were cracking up at how hard she was laughing! She even ran up to my sister and brother-in-law to give them hugs after they stopped swinging her around. Of course she had to place the basket back where she found it once she was done playing with it (her neatness and organization skills are still in tact)! But it was amazing just how much fun she had - she loved, loved, loved seeing her pictures in the camera. Even more fun, she loved posing and imitating us for the photos; we definintely discovered the hammy side of Bela for sure!!  It was like a whole different little girl came out! I was telling my sister that I couldn't help but to wonder if Bela would ever open up to other people because she is typically so shy and stoic around anyone but us. If Bela wasn't adopted, I probably wouldn't think twice about that, but we tend to be very observant of her behavior to ensure that the adjustment and attachment process is going "normally" if you will. But those concerns started to fade away after yesterday with all the fun she had at my sister's house....pictures say a thousand words!! 

Then today, I had to go out for most of the day so Ryan's mom came over to help watch Bela during the day. She brought her tea set and immediately Bela began to play with her and started to serve her stuffed animals tea - we're not sure where she learned how to serve tea but it was like she had done it before and was just having a blast playing pretend tea party!  I was just talking to Ryan about the fact that before Bela, we had a fun life (or so we thought). There wasn't anything we didn't do. We traveled, we went out every weekend, we enjoyed the company of our friends and family regulary. Now, we have Bela and while our travel has subsided a bit, we are having more fun than either one of us imagined. Don't get me wrong - being a new mom is tough and adjusting to a 2 year old is pretty hard, but I wouldn't trade it for anything! My grandmother said it best - just showing Bela love will warm our hearts as she starts to love us back.   Seeing Bela's daily changes is so amazing. It's hard to believe that only 4 weeks ago she was at an orphanage in India!! The pictures below are all from my sister's house - the trick apparently to her shyness was discovering a way to swing her around - hope that doesn't mean I have to ride roller coasters with her???

"I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt"

So little Bela's personality has certainly come out even more the last few days. Turns out not only is Bela a girly girl (loving her Barbie’s and dolls) she loves to look at herself in the mirror!! One of her adoption reports said that but I didn't really realize how much she really did love that. Specifically, she loves to pick out her clothes in the morning, comb her hair and then stare in the mirror for a few minutes with a big smile! It's is the cutest thing in the world (at least in my opinion)!! She loves to wear sunglasses and pose with them on also. Her obsession with shoes is also totally cute - she insists on lining up her shoes and making sure that her pink ones are put away just right (her pink ones are her favorite). 

So this past week, Ryan and I have been busy with post adoption stuff. For instance, I spent 2 hours at the OC Family Court trying to get paperwork filed to finalize Bela's adoption. Once the paperwork is filed, it takes about 6 months to finalize the adoption. This is after I spent 3 hours filling out all of the paperwork and getting all the right copies made. Turns out the court would NOT accept the forms without all of Bela's international adoption paperwork (of course they wouldn't be more specific than that). So I get to try again next week - I'm looking so forward to that line again (not!). Ryan's persistence definitely paid off in getting Bela an appointment with an endocrinologist though. He physically went down to the OC Choc hospital facility - only to find out they had no openings until April - so they referred us to the Newport Beach center. They also had no openings but the lady on the phone said Ryan sounded really friendly and was touched by our story about us adopting Bela so she squeezed us in for next week!! Woho - the sooner we can get in to see a specialist, the sooner Bela can get the right medication to catch her up on her height. Finally, today we had an Early Intervention Admissions person come and visit Bela. She did an initial evaluation to determine Bela's developmental progress. Bela did great with the puzzles and shapes but she is clearly behind on her language skills - the only problem is that we can't tell for sure whether she is behind because she is learning a new language or because she has some developmental catching up to do. So after an hour of her assessment she referred us to conduct a full evaluation at another facility next week. She said that Bela is doing fantastic on her gross motor and cognitive skills and seems to be very social considering how new her environment is. She was also impressed by the fact that Bela likes to get dressed and likes picking out her new clothes. In fact, she commented on Bela's appetite being better than her 11 yr old (Bela just polished off 6 chicken fingers for lunch - she discovered ketchup today and loves it!). She educated us on the some local learning programs that are offered by school districts for minimal costs - programs that include speech pathologists and various other specialists. The programs are designed for a child and parent (between 0-5) to interact with other children in a social, education environment. There is a program called the learning link in south OC that we will be enrolling Bela into. She is not that social with children so we think this would be a great program to get her involved with.

So next week will be interesting as I will be out for 3 mornings while Ryan and his mom watch Bela. Bela seems to be mesmerized by sitting on a recliner and watching learning videos so hopefully that will help next week. We are just not ready to hire a nanny or sitter because we feel her attachment is still pretty fragile and we don't want to take any steps backwards by introducing her to a new caregiver. BTW, I got to spend some alone time with Bela running errands today – she did amazing. She didn’t fuss at all in her car seat and seemed to enjoy the grocery store – especially since we were buying bananas (her favorite). She is definitely feeling much more comfortable with me while Ryan is working. I love the alone time we get – it’s so much fun showing her new things. BTW – I have picked up singing. I am definitely not a singer, but Bela seems to enjoy it when I do it so I figured, what the hec! Singing out loud is almost therapeutic in many ways so I try to do it at least once a day with her. She loves a CD that my friend gave her of Hindu yoga songs for kids.

Bela Loves Her Barbies and Her First Superbowl!!

So who would have known that our daughter loves to eat chicken wings and ranch, while watching football. Bela and mommy were rooting for the Saints!! While Bela is certainly a girly girl - playing with her barbies and wearing mommy's bangles up to her elbows, she had a blast at her first Superbowl! She was very playful and seemed to enjoy herself despite new people coming over to see her. She would get shy for a little while then she would open up and play again. Even without a nap, she did amazing (although she was out by 6pm till 7am the next morning). She found French onion dip delicious but didn't care for the bean dip too much. Mommy taught her how to motion when the Saints scored a touchdown and also how to point out a first down! Bela continues to pick up new words and is feeling even more comfortable with me alone. She can tell us in sign language when she is hungry and when she wants more of something. She also learned how to recognize her eyes, ears, mouth, head and nose in English. Today, Bela even went with me to run a few errands and to go clothes shopping and she was amazing the whole time.

We have noticed however that she is regressing from her potty training. She seems to just now go in her diaper and then tell us about it afterwards or not at all. So we're going to have to employ so some good old fashion potty training techniques again to get her back into the swing of things - might need to start from scratch. While it certainly has surprised me - I am thoroughly enjoying being a mom and seeing her personality come to light (even her little mischievous side which likes to throw food on the floor). This week we get to focus on all the post adoption paperwork and getting her specialist appointment. Let's hope all of the above is very painless! The good news is that Bela is great at taking her medicine and multi-vitamins - it's almost odd but she loves them.

Back to Nap Time

Today was another great day for a first! It was Bela's first bath without crying! Daddy managed to teach her how to have fun in the water. Since we picked Bela up, she has been screaming and whaling during her bath. Today she had tons of fun with the rubber duckies and even wanted me to wash her hair - holy smokes! The experience was so much more pleasant than it has ever been!

But we're back to trying nap times again. Last night Bela wanted to go to bed around 5:30pm - way too early. So daddy kept her busy playing and having fun with pipe cleaners to keep her awake till at least 6:30pm (see picture). But taking care of daddy while he was sick, taking care of Bela and keeping the house in order has definitely taken its toll. Time for mommy to get out and go shopping!  I have always said that being a mom is like having a full time job - but I never knew just how right I was! I have a whole new respect for stay at home moms!!


It’s been less than 2 weeks since we brought Bela home from India. Here are 10 things we have learned so about her since then...

1. She is not a morning person!
2. She loves to take things out so she can put them away again
3. She loves spaghetti, cheerios, bread, tortilla chips and quesadillas
4. She is a girly girl! She loves shoes, bracelets and purses
5. She is a good medicine taker as long as it's in liquid form
6. She hates sleeping in a crib - prefers a queen bed instead
7. She has to be able to touch her belly button when she sleeps
8. She loves going outside but not very far from the house while walking around
9. She loves playing with dolls and likes to comb their hair and put shoes on them
10. She is a quick learner - she is learning new English words everyday (including how to give a high five and a fist pound)!

Of course she is loves throwing tantrums when she wants something that she doesn't get. She also prefers daddy to hold her when possible. But all in all, we're sooooo amazed at how quickly Bela has progressed. She is a ton of fun and I can't wait for her to wake up every morning. Of course I would prefer she not throw so many tantrums during the day, but they call it the terrible 2's for a reason!

Little Miss Independent

So it's been 4 days since my last blog and LOTS has happened. For one, Bela went to her first outing to the park. The walk there was great but then she started to melt down when our nieces and nephews came over to play with her. We then took her to my nephew's first birthday - originally we were NOT planning on doing that because we were afraid of Bela being overwhelmed, especially with the park incident the day before.  What prompted us to take her was a little family encouragement and Bela in the hours prior started motioning to us to go outside again. So we took our cues from her and decided to take her and keep her busy on the slides - away from the crowd. That seemed to work really well - she had a fabulous time playing on the slides for hours and hours. Everyone at the party was able to see her from afar - I dressed her in purple so she was easy to spot. Dad had to be nearby at all times while she was playing but she didn't have a single tantrum. She was coined the nickname "Miss Independent" because she wanted absolutely no help climbing on the ladders and the play area - even on the really high ladders. She is a determined little girl especially for being so small! Her size does not deter her from climbing on even the tallest ladders! So we were really happy with how that day went.

Then finally yesterday, the day Ryan had a 101 fever (seems the party was more tiring for him), Bela started to latch on to me. While she would occasionally look for Ryan through-out the day, she would started to really open up to me today. The day started with Ryan needing to go back to work (at his home office) so she started to search the entire house for him. She could hear him but couldn't figure out where he was. So I got to bath her, dress her, feed her, tickle her, play with her, take her out for a walk and even put her to bed!! She fell asleep without dad for the first time. She did reach out and want him nearby at various parts of the day but it was a great day yesterday for me and Bela. She is now calling me and Ryan mama but to me that's amazing progress! She was laughing and smiling a lot yesterday and again, not a single tantrum. She discovered baked potato soup and seemed to like it. She also loves cherrios and the colored fish for snack time. She is getting more comfortable around Lucky our cat - she is chasing him around the house and pulling his tail. He has been a great sport and when he has enough, he bolts.