Guilty Feelings

So after my last post, I went downstairs to spend time with Bela and to feed her dinner. As Ryan was putting her to sleep, I started to think about just how guilty I felt having to discipline Bela yesterday. I felt the need to blog about it! Correcting Bela after she spit in Ryan's shoes was probably one of the hardest things I have done since we brought her home. I felt sick to my stomach and just so guilty that I had to do it. However, both Ryan and my friend reassured me that it needed to be done and that we did it in a manner that was calm and matter of fact. But I was NOT expecting such tremendous feelings of guilt and anxiety over the situation. I think what really helped me was thinking about my first experience having to discipline my employees - while it sounds bizarre that I would compare an employee to Bela, it's the last time I had this feeling of nausea around a discipline situation. I felt so bad afterwards that I didn't sleep for weeks and then many years later, the same employee thanked me for having the guts to tell him he needed to improve and giving him the ability to do so. This same employee passed away while I was in India and his mom contacted me to let me know - it has been almost a decade since I managed him. That's the only thing I can relate to that helps me keep focused on knowing that correcting Bela is not only needed, but someday, whether she realizes it or not, it will help her. Sounds like a really obvious conclusion to make and my mom always told me she corrected me for my own good, but last night was the first time I really understood what that meant.