Sleep Training

It has been just a little over 4 months since Bela entered our lives and up until this week getting Bela to sleep at night was a rather difficult procedure.  We had to be careful to balance the need for bonding with the need for being able to comfort herself during sleep.  So for the first 4 months, one of us would lay down with her to help her get to sleep, which was usually a long process that could last several hours with sometimes 2 to 3 shifts per night until she fell to sleep.  We wanted to make sure she felt connected to us and knew that we'd be there for her, which is all part of bonding.  By now bela now figured out that she could get out of bed, open the door, and come into our room.  While it was very cute to see her come into our room reaching out for us, we both knew that it was not the best thing for sleep training.  So we decided that each time she did that, we'd pick her up without speaking to her and just put her back in her bed, but then she'd just get up and come into our room again, and we'd put her to bed again.  That back and forth process latest about 36 rounds that night before she finally stopped getting up and fell to sleep, it was probably around 11 PM that night.  It was rough to say the least.  We both fretted over the thought that each night we'd have to go through this back and forth over and over, so for the next week after we fell into our old habit of sleeping with her till she fell to sleep.  One thing that Bela didn't really have yet was a security blanket or favorite doll that she'd like to sleep with. So we began to put her to bed with a soft purple troll doll that her cousin Nicholas given her. And a friend's wife had quilted a beautiful green and purple blanket, and we began giving both of them to her as she went to sleep. Unfortunatley, she really didn't take to either of them, but we made sure that everytime she napped and went to sleep that we'd tuck her doll in with her underneath the soft blanket.  Then just this past Monday, we went through the steps of putting her to bed (getting her into her PJs, brushing her teeth, reading a book, etc) and after tucking her under the little blanket we gave the doll a kiss good night and told her that mommy and daddy would be downstairs and that Bela would need to go to sleep, but if she needed us she would only need to yell out "Mommy" or "Daddy" and we'd right up to get her.  She nodder her head, said night night to me, and POOF, we didn't hear a peep from her until the next morning.  Wow, could it be that easy finally to get her down to sleep?  The next few nights were the same as one of us would go through the same exact process and she'd nod her head with a big smile and say "Night Night, I luv you" and we'd close the door and she would fall to sleep.  What a relief, Bela is now secure enough to comfort herself to go to sleep - a huge sign of attachment.  Where before we'd painfully pass on the nightly shifts of laying with her until she fell to sleep, we were now high fiving each other after only taking 5 minutes to get her to bed.  We now had our evenings back and we could catch up on Lost and have some mommy and daddy time.

As Fate Would Have It....

Last week Holt International, the agency that we used, sponsored a picnic for all of the adoptive families of Holt.  It was a great turn out, and as expected there were lots of children with their parents.  However, since there are only about 400 children adopted from India into the US, we didn't expect too many kids from India.  While we were sitting on the blanket relaxing after playing on the slides, we noticed a family coming over to us.  Wow, could it be another adoptive child from India?  Sure thing, we met a very nice family who had an 11 year old daughter whom they brought home about 8 years ago.  I thought it was very special that they continue to come after so many years, and we hope to do the same.  Their duagher is a very sweet girl and was very interested in meeting Bela, but Bela was more interested in playing on the slides.  For the next hour or so we shared adoption stories with the family over some delicious Korean BBQ supplied by a local church.  It turns out that their daughter was also adopted from BSSK, but back in 2002.  Just after lunch we noticed another family coming to the picnic and they too had a lovely little girl from India.  We quickly called them over and began to get acquainted, but something was so familar with their daughter we just couldn't place it, but we soon found out why.  It turns out that the family had brought home their 4 year old daughter three weeks after we did from the the same orphanage in Pune (BSSK).  Out of 1.1 Billion people in India and 25 Million orphans, of which only 400 are adopted to the US, we happen to meet someone from the exact same place we brought Bela home from.  Wow, we were floored to say the least.  We then met even another family who had adopted a little boy from India, wow we didn't expect to meet 1 let alone 3 adoptive families from India - it was very exciting.  But the excitment didn't end there.  After sharing our stories, I told the families that I'd post the videos that we took of BSSK (one of the families hadn't been to India) so that they could see where their daughter came from.  As I was going through the videos, I noticed that the little 4 year old was in our videos, a couple of times sitting right next to Bela playing.  WOW, fate sure was on our side.  We are very fortunate to have found one of Bela's playmates and we can only imagine how helpful it will be for both girls to have each other as friends as they get older and have questions about their adoption and begin coming to terms with what it means to be adopted - we couldn't be more happy for our little girl!

PERSISTENCE = P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S-!

So the theme for the last few weeks has really been about PROGRESS! We had our third monthly social worker visit this week. I forgot about the visit so I was kind of scrambling as I got Bela dressed from her bath. But Mike was great - he was patient and assured me that I was not the only one to forget these visits :) Every visit that Mike makes, he makes note of how Bela is progressing in the areas of eating, attachment, sleep, interaction, language, etc.... He indicated that he is looking for signs of progress; that really stuck in my mind because all too often we have certain expectations and it's hard to gauge just how well Bela is doing in certain areas. So we just take cues from her and work on things repetitively until they are accomplished - missing entirely the celebration and joy in the bits of progress along the way. So I am now celebrating and taking note of the bits of progress - not just the achievement and completion of something, but just how much Bela has improved.

P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S-!  Bela is now taking naps EVERY DAY!!! Again, this is the end place we wanted to be but I had to recall the steps we took and the bits of progress I saw before we got here. The first dozen attempts to nap Bela resulted in serious whaling and crying to the point that we just gave up. Then we started it again because I read just how important afternoon naps are and how a lack of sleep can result in a compounding effect to even worse sleep patterns, poor eating, etc.... So Bela went from crying and kicking for an hour to take a nap, to about 30 minutes, then 15 minutes and now, she just sits in her bed with a book, we read it and then she lays down to take a nap. No crying or screaming at all. I have to be in bed with her for her to fall asleep and I can't wait until that is no longer necessary, however the PROGRESS is that she is now napping every day consistently! I have noticed her eating is picking up as well as a result - she seems to be more hungry. She is certainly more focused and able to pick up new things quicker and best of all, she is less fussy during the day!

P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S-!  In Bela's language class, we have been working on separation where I don't have to be in the class with her. The first attempt resulted in crying for about an hour or so until she finally stopped. The 2nd attempt seemed to get worse but then the 3rd and 4th attempts were great! So much so that the last time she went in with Miss Nancy without issue and couldn't wait to start playing! Woho! She also has been alone with Ryan's parents on several occasions - allowing me to leave from time to time. Again, this too was a process. It started with lots of crying at first and then just minutes of crying (or no crying at all). She also has no issue with Ryan going into work every day but is so excited to see him home each night.  

P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S-! Bela's English has improved by leaps and bounds! She literally understood me saying to her, "Bela, please go in the other room and get the pillows for mommy." She went in the other room and brought in the pillows one by one! So she definitely understands more than she can say but the PROGRESS has been amazing!! She is also counting to 10 consistently and identifying all of the animals and their sounds. I even hear her singing on a daily basis with me which is a lot of fun. She understood how to give my grandmother a rose from our backyard which was so special to see. My grandmother saw Bela for the first time since she has returned from India - it filled my heart. Not to mention she gave Bela custom made bangles from India.

P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S-!  Potty Training....well we have kind of regressed a bit on this, which I think occurred as a result of the separation but I view this as progress. To me her regression is part of her overall process which I now recognize.  I think this is where things get a little worse before they get better. 

P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S-! Shots - Bela started her growth hormone treatment this week. Ryan and I had to attend a 1.5 hour training session just to administer the medicine which is given by injection EACH NIGHT. Sunday marked the first day that we started giving her the shots - today is day 3. And so far Bela absolutely hates the shot and built a lot of anxiety before she gets it. However, today we noticed that her crying after the shot is subsiding to where she is no longer screaming for a long time after she has taken the shot. So again, PROGRESS! The nurse who came to do the training indicated that over time, she will just be so used to the shot that it will be no big deal. What broke our heart was that the day after her first shot, she took her brown-skinned baby doll and the plastic cover of the needle we use. She brought it over to me and Ryan and lifted up the baby's dress to give her a shot (with the plastic cap) on the thigh and simultaneously said, "Mommy, Daddy - Babie Owwiee!" I almost cried when she did that - my heart just broke!

Bela is such a strong and brave little girl - she has had to be from birth! Being born at 32 weeks, staying in NICU for a month, and then living in an orphanage for 2 years - this little girl (literally) has developed strength and bravery that most adults never develop. And she is so dang smart and quick!! I have learned a lot from Bela in just a few months and I am amazed at how resilient children can be; she is truly one of the strongest people I know at just the young and tender age of 2!

Now...Seperation

So now that Bela has fully attached with me and Ryan, we are working on separation! Seems odd but a test of her attachment is being able to stay with other people without mistaking them as her caretakers or her mommy. It actually would be nice for Ryan and I, from time to time, to be able to have grandma and grandpa babysit so we could enjoy a nice dinner and a movie. But honestly, we are so thrilled with how Bela has adjusted.


So what's happened in the last month you ask...??

1. Bela started her language and speech therapy with the regional center in Mission Viejo. She just completed her third 2-hour session and already the therapist is talking about moving her up to the next class level. She is repeating words and learning English quickly. In addition, the last sessions, she was separated from me for most the entire class sessions without issue! If she continues that in her next session, she will be moved up.  

Bela had her first Easter this year which consisted of 3 Easter Egg hunts! She is a pro at finding eggs now and low and behold, she loves eating the hard boiled eggs she painted as well! She also has had Christmas in April - our neighbors have overwhelmed us with attention, love and goodies. They all have kids older than Bela and all of them love to spend time with "Baby Bela" - giving her rides in their mini-Escalades and battery-operated cars. Every Friday we get together so the kids can play in the neighborhood and everyone just chips to make sure Baby Bela is being watched, having fun and is playing with the kids. It's truly heart-warming. Our neighbor Jill has also given us all her old educational toys, trains and even strollers for Bela. In addition, we were offered a slide set, furniture, etc... Seriously, the generosity has been amazing.

Bela saw her specialist today and she has grown almost and inch since she has been here and she isn't on her growth hormones yet! That is a great sign but what is even better is that the Dr. is convinced that Bela hasn't experienced any delay in her brain development due to her thyroid or growth hormone condition. Ryan and I have known how smart she is but it was nice to get an official opinion too. Bela is an amazing helper. Wherever she can participate and contribute, she wants to be involved! 

She is also becoming so much more affectionate - saying I love You and giving kisses all the time. She is smiling so much now and laughing to the point where she likes to play jokes and tease us to get a laugh out of us! Bela is really spending a lot of time with Ryan's family and she knows them by name and looks forward to seeing them. She also is spending time at my parent's house about once a week. It's nice to see her adjust and bond with other family members and feel safe and comfortable with them as well.  We got to go to Chuck-E-Cheese Twice in the last month - Bela had a blast there running around and riding the rides.

Finally, my friends Sima, Deena, Neena and Hina came down with their daughters to visit with Bela - it was fun seeing her interact with the other girls. It still takes her a while to get comfortable with new people but she is definitely better about playing with kids than she used to be.

Inspired!

So I haven't blogged in almost a month and after a 10 minute conversation with a journalist, author and literally expert in our Guajarati culture, I was inspired to write this blog. I think I have had writers block and couldn't figure out why (now I know why they call it a block) and realized what is was after speaking with Mr. Anand Rao. Anand Uncle is coming this Saturday and as we are finalizing the logistics - he told me why he was interested in writing a story about us and Bela. He said that our culture is not very open to adoption and quite frankly looks down upon that. While this was no surprise to me, what inspired me was his encouragement to write my blog with language and sharpness that awakens my family. I realized that my block was coming from the fact that I have noticed a real distinct difference with my family in how they treat Bela vs. other children in our family. Mostly I am speaking of my extended family. However, I know my parents are also in the process of adjusting to this - you can just tell by their body language. My Dad has been amazing and is naturally a very loving person but I know my Mom, who speaks so highly of Bela, is still adjusting. Much like when I married Ryan, it's a process that I know needs to happen and just have to be patient about. However, what upsets me the most is my extended family - they have made little effort or regard to come see and visit with Bela. I have to take to places where they can visit with her - yet when babies are born in my family, it's a must that we go and visit with them. Why is that? Could it be that even my generation of cousins looks down upon adoption? After all, all of my friends - even friends I haven't spoken with in a year, have made an effort to come see Bela and spend time with her. Some of them come by weekly to visit with her . Yet my family - my uncles, aunts, cousins, don't find it necessary to do so. The exception was my cousin Shetal who made it a point to visit Bela during her trip from Texas and my cousins Sagar and Shareena who met us at the airport when we arrived from India with big welcome signs and balloons. Seriously! So now the writer's block is over. As uncle mentioned, the sharpness in writing is similar to a surgeon performing surgery - if she didn’t have a sharp knife, she couldn't do her job. Just as this blog is hopefully a small step in awaking those who happen to live in ideology and false pretenses - I hope this blog reminds us that in the end, it's all about love and opening your heart. Not about what you have to show on this planet, not about the money you make or don’t make, but about the genuine love you show children and the contribution of love they feel compelled to give this world as a result. Our future is our children and if more people loved the unwanted children, how different could this world be? I am reminded of Sandra Bullock at the Academy Award for her role in Blind Side when she said, “Here’s to all the moms who love the children, no matter where they came from!”   It's time to stop with old beliefs and recognize that love had no boundries or DNA profile.

Christmas in March, Dentists & "Mommy Bubbles Up!"

Today marks the 2nd month anniversary of the day we picked up Bela from the BSSK orphanage in India. It's hard to believe she has only been with us for 2 months. She fits in so well and she is such a huge part of our life that it feels like we have had her for years! Everyday continues to be filled with new words, new experiences and new learning's for both Bela and us!

This month, we celebrated Christmas in March with Ryan's family. It's really hard for his extended family to coordinate getting together around the holiday's so we decided to get together this month at Philipes French Dip restaurant in LA.  Bela is still pretty shy around new people but we think that is more of a 2 year old thing than an adoption thing. She needs about a good 30 minutes to warm up to people she has seen before and total strangers are usually hit or miss in terms of her being open with them. The Christmas get together was a little hard because she was just adored with attention and that probably overwhelmed her a bit - although we all had a good time. 

Bela seems to have really started attaching to her grandparents - both my parents and Ryan's parents. She knows to call my dad "dada" and my mom "dadi" and she often asks about dada when we are at hope. She likes to pray with dad when we go over and visit with him. She also really gets happy when she sees Ryan's parents - especially Ryan's dad who likes to tickle Bela (which she loves).

Bela also had her first dentist appointment this week. While the appointment only lasted 5 minutes to do a quick checkup, she squirmed and fussed the entire time. She saw the office workers in uniform and automatically thought she was at the Dr's office because she started to whine and squirm at the sight of them. Needless to say, Bela likes to brush her teeth but the dentist now suggests we floss her teeth as well!

Bubbles seem to be a big area of fun for Bela. We played with bubbles today quite a bit - to the point of exhausting her. Ryan's parents came over with their friends and she was running all over trying to catch and pop all the bubbles. Her favorite thing to say was, "Mommy, Bubbles Up!!"  She literally could spend hours and hours chasing after bubbles. My cousin got her an automatic bubble blower shaped liked a octopus which relieves mom from having to blow the bubbles herself. While Bela is learning to blow bubbles as well, she hasn't quite gotten the hang of it consistently which means - little bubble octopus is on double duty (thank goodness I stocked up on double-A batteries)!!

Ryan and I got a book to try to train Bela into taking naps again. She absolutely will not nap so we're hoping to get some tips as she is just plain exhausted and fussy by the time 6pm rolls around. It takes a toll on me especially as I would love to have some alone time while she naps if possible. We're starting to look into nanny's as well but we'll probably make a decision in a few weeks about that. Next week I start the mommy and me class at the state regional center to help Bela with her speech and language. Those will be 2 hours classes twice a week so if she gets use to those classes without me, that will give us a good indication of whether she is ready to be with a nanny yet.

Finally, Ryan and I got to go on our first date night since we brought Bela home 2 months ago! Ryan's parents baby sat for us and while we were only gone for about 2.5 hrs, it was a much needed break! We celebrated my birthday the night before with my family and friends and then Ryan and I went out alone together. It's so easy to forget just how much alone time can mean until you don't have it anymore!

But Bela is progressing really well and she is picking up new English words every day! We were looking at the video we took of the day we picked her up and it's amazing to see just how much she has changed! Her hair is longer, her cheeks are fuller and she is certainly smiling more often!

"Down Kitty!"

Hello Family and Friends! I realize this blog post is well overdue, but I have lots of great updates since our last post. For starters, Bela and I got to attend our first Indian event where we both dressed up in our Indian clothes. Bela - the girly girl, really loved her Indian outfit and especially loved accessorizing! Our neighbor (Susan Keller Photography) came over to take some professional shots as well to help us capture the special moment. The pictures on the blog are by Ryan but we hope to have the professional shots picked out soon. The Indian event was for my sister's baby shower. Bela is still getting used to new places and people but it's interesting to see how long it takes her to get comfortable in a new setting. When I got to the event, my aunts and cousins were there (people she hasn't seen before) and she was definitely clingy. She wanted to go outside and didn't venture out too far away from me. I thinks he was overwhelmed a bit by all the attention she was getting. But toward the end she did get more comfortable and even allowed the priest to give her a blessing and a "chai" on her forehead. I also discovered that she really still loves Indian food so I am now trying to make it a point that she gets Indian food at least a few times a week (thank goodness my mom is back from India and she lives close by)!

We also took our first family vacation to Scottsdale, AZ last weekend!! We were invited to a friend's weekend birthday bash and we didn't want to miss it. So we packed up and did our best to show Bela a great time while Ryan and I traded off to attend the various weekend birthday events. BTW - gone are the days where Ryan and I could travel for a week with just one carry-on bag each. We found out that our bags literally multiplied with a child! We had 4 check-in bags and 3 carry-ons!!! But Bela got to go swimming for the very first time in Scottsdale! She absolutely loved, loved, loved, the pool!! Once the weather gets warmer here, we will certainly be taking her to my parents pool. While in Scottsdale, Bela got to meet alot of my friends and Ryan's mom's cousins (Marce and Jack) drove down to our hotel from Prescott to see her as well. She really loved the Fashionista Barbie that they got her - she is really into accessories (purses, jewelry and all). She played really, really well while they were visiting and even reached out to Marce to play with her as well. This was all without Ryan which was great. She does like to be free and runs around quite a bit but she really seemed to open up with them the longer they stayed. It was great to see her starting to get more comfortable.

BTW - I have now learned that I need some basic essentials in my purse at all times while traveling: lolipops, vanilla wafers, wet wipes, a spare diaper, some crayons/pen and paper. The loli came in handy on the flight as Bela sat very patiently in her own seat sucking on the lolipop while she was watching her video during the flight. The crayons were great to pull out at times where she would get bored when we were visiting with friends. The diaper is for my own convenience. The wet wipes are a must!!!

Then the next day my friend, Sue came by for breakfast and brought her a doll with its own stroller. WOW, that kept her busy for hours while the adults were all having breakfast. She was literally in a house full of people and just had a grand old time playing and enjoying herself. She in fact totally opened up to Sue and was playing with her for hours - she had never seen Sue before so that was totally amazing!! She even let our friend Fred hold her - again a total first as she had never met Fred before. The secret to Bela's heart is clearly babies and Barbies! She really LOVED Sue and the gift she got and still goes out daily pushing baby in the stroller!

In terms of eating, sleeping and develomental progress - lots has happened there too. For starters, Bela is now up to almost 2 eggs in the morning. She is eating really well and we've started to add a lot of high caloried (but nutritious) foods to her diet to help her gain some weight. Bela's doctors have indicated she has had a failure to thrive given her low weight but pediasure, cheese and lots of other great calorie foods should help that. I learned that a good friend of ours has a son (who is now 13) and he was diagnosed with a failure to thrive at birth too - and now he is healthy and active and you would never know he wasn't gaining a lot of weight as a newborn. She gave us some great tips on high calorie foods she used to feed him which has helped as well. But it was very reassuring to see her son and imagine Bela at 13. Bela was also sleeping through the nights entirely for the last few weeks and even slept through the night in her own bed in Scottsdale. But that hasn't been the case the last 3 nights or so. We think she was a bit traumatized by my mom's friend who she recently saw. My mom's friend is from Pune, India - the same town we picked Bela up from. So she started speaking Bela's local language to her and she was even dressed in traditional Indian clothes, resembling the caregivers at the orphanage. Bela totally freaked out around her and since then she has had nightmares and has been waking up 2-4 times a night. So either Ryan or I will make it a point to sleep with her until she gets back to her old sleeping pattern again. It's amazing though - that even though she will likely have no memory of this experience when she gets older, every experience is shaping her well-being and development and programming that little brain of hers. Children are total sponges!  Bela's langugage is also developing - she is now putting 2 and 3 words together and learning how to count thanks to her cousins who have been teaching her new words and numbers. Bela now says, "Mommy, i'm no hungry", "Kitty down", "mommy outside" and of course she says "I luw you" a lot! She even likes to give flying and personal kisses to people she knows. Bela has her final evaluation from the regional center to approve her language group therapy (3 times a week) and her occupational therpay (once a week).  She still doesn't like playing with new kids but has started to open up to my nephew and her cousins Alyssa and Brianna who come over once a week (one at a time) to play with her. I am also trying to set more play dates with her as well. She doesn't mind the kids as long as they don't come up to her and touch her - which we think must be an orphanage thing where kids would probably hit her or try to grab her toys since there were so many kids that she interacted with. So it's probably a territorial thing where she like her independence and is a new thing she is taking advantage of.  This week the focus is on potty training - I bought a new book of stickers to finally get her trained once and for all - mommy and daddy are really over the poopy diapers - wish us luck! :)